written spring 2007

Memories

There was a movie, a first date, a first kiss.. The movie for today is unimportant but a song from the movie that has remained in the recessed corners of my mind with the memory of those important firsts that has kept me afloat in times of gray numbness.

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you

These words have carried me over many years. I've thought about that time and those around me then many times over the years. So many things I have said to you even in your absences and now out of the blue here you are. . How do I feel about this? there are a meriad of emotions. Happiness and joy to begin with, Like a window long closed now open and breezes blowing through them once again, sorrow because it has been so long in between what once was and what is now. Elation at renewal of a friendship that had began to feel more like a dream that was imagined by a young girl in loves first blush. As many life lessons have come and gone in the years in between. Mayhaps that was what the universe intended a brief brush in time.

Now the chance to heal old wounds.. Air out fears and move on, f.e.a.r. what did you call it..fear everthing and run. I wish I had paid more attention to the positive side of the acronym. Funny thing here is you seem to read me well for a person I haven't seen in nearly forever. You must be a very good councelor. There are many things that have come full circle in the last year, But you are a welcome surprise. Here I am at yet another cross road knowing what could lay ahead and I feel such sorrow at its prospect, such lonesome emptiness, like a broken animal lost in the cold months of winter. Please know this has nothing to do with your arrival its just where I am in life.. I have been running for one thing or another my whole life and the time is nearing where I have to learn to let go an just be me.. I don't know who that is. I've seen her once or twice in the mirror or in an old photo, its like an old friend I want to reach out and hug tightly .. but I don't know her. HHmm.. emptiness thats it in a nutshell. Broken, Lost and Empty.. And more perfect words were never writing then this song. Are you real or just a well preserved memory? Are you really there?

2:00 PM