Am I the Change I want to see in the World?

I used to write a lot when I was younger...
Then I had children, they seem to have taken up a lot of my time back then...
though I never realized how much until they weren't underfoot anymore.
As they got older I started writting here and there almost like journaling.
Then my life came un done...
within a short period of time I lost my balance in life...
My Marriage disolved, I had a stroke, followed by a mental melt down, then a smaller stroke (a TIA) and lastly my youngest left me for her father.
 I read what I wrote before and she seems like she was a really Beautiful, Colorfully Artistic and Together Woman... But I don't really remember her... All I know are the gossemer wisps of fragmented memories and all I see are the Monsters in the Mirror...


I read another "Quote" this morning... it said...

"Be the Change You Want To See in The World"

Am I the change I want to see in the world?

I know I believe in compassion and I am trying hard for self-awareness.

I try and have the courage to look myself in the mirror.

I try wisdom and guidance in Spirituallty .

I know I have problems with needing validation and acceptance.

I know I am terrified of being judged

I know I fall into the pit of hopelessness and despair.

I know I can be needy and impulsive.

But at the same time, I feel confident.

I’m a lot of things that are in conflict with each other,

And I’m trying to learn that not everything has to be one way or another.

I don't experience the world like most people do

I know I am an amazing person... Funny Thing is... 

I just don't believe it...

I feel trapped in a cage of depression and borderline hatred

guess what... another "Quote" 

Take these broken wings and learn to fly... Learn to live so free...

I know this may not have been the authors intent but it works for me...

It's hard to have a condition that is stigmatized and judged but somewhere inside

I know I am stronger than this disorder.

I'm a whole lot of things that shouldn't and sometimes don’t fit together…

I’m not just the bits in a conversation, a picture on a wall or words on a page…

I truly am a whole ball of tumbled craze, ecstasy and rage….

If you cannot accept me for whom I am…

And join in me in life’s little game get the hell off my playground and out of my head...

My life, my complications, my rules… I don't experience the world as you do…

I walk a fine borderline between a world of disorientation, disassociation and the world you know it.

Some days are deathly quiet and some days the noise won't stop.

All I hear remains… And is repeated, pounding in my brain.

I read this somewhere…      

 A quote…

“Will you won't you, will you won't you, join in the dance?”

How Appropriate… Sums it up perfectly…

I haven't been very good at this blogging thing...
Though I have been told its nearly the best therapy no money can buy.

Its now Sunday March 3rd 2013
Cccchanges... or so many changes.

#1 seems to be doing well ... she finally has a base group of girlfriends
and her relationship with her BF seems to be doing okay.
The grand kids are half grown 11 and 13

#2 is doing well, she finished school works for a nice doctor
finally gave up the second job and the long term relationship (4yr) with the long distance BF
She is so strong and so fragile at the same time...

#3 is living her dream... She moved North with her BF and is teaching preschool.
We don't talk as often as I had hoped but I guess I shouldn't be surprised, she is my daughter after all
She calls when she needs me most...

Over all I'd say I did a good job...
Their good young women with kind hearts, who would help a fellow human being if they could and that is what counts...
I just miss them being around that's all...
I never imagined everyone living so far apart...

I wrote a letter to their father once about a rift I saw between he and I... I commented 3yrs ago in a blog about how it came true.

Now we are all scattered ... I live... he lives... And Our Children are Living...

changes in progression

its been quite a long while... things have changed quite a bit...

but the evolution is still in progress...

Things were going well there for a bit and then I took an emotional nose dive.