I know I keep falling off my promise to write more.
I know I easily to pulled off task

However this time I had a reason.
I do not have access to a computer with internet.

Imagine my surprise this popping up on my phone...

Am I the Change I want to see in the World?

I used to write a lot when I was younger...
Then I had children, they seem to have taken up a lot of my time back then...
though I never realized how much until they weren't underfoot anymore.
As they got older I started writting here and there almost like journaling.
Then my life came un done...
within a short period of time I lost my balance in life...
My Marriage disolved, I had a stroke, followed by a mental melt down, then a smaller stroke (a TIA) and lastly my youngest left me for her father.
 I read what I wrote before and she seems like she was a really Beautiful, Colorfully Artistic and Together Woman... But I don't really remember her... All I know are the gossemer wisps of fragmented memories and all I see are the Monsters in the Mirror...


I read another "Quote" this morning... it said...

"Be the Change You Want To See in The World"

Am I the change I want to see in the world?

I know I believe in compassion and I am trying hard for self-awareness.

I try and have the courage to look myself in the mirror.

I try wisdom and guidance in Spirituallty .

I know I have problems with needing validation and acceptance.

I know I am terrified of being judged

I know I fall into the pit of hopelessness and despair.

I know I can be needy and impulsive.

But at the same time, I feel confident.

I’m a lot of things that are in conflict with each other,

And I’m trying to learn that not everything has to be one way or another.

I don't experience the world like most people do

I know I am an amazing person... Funny Thing is... 

I just don't believe it...

I feel trapped in a cage of depression and borderline hatred

guess what... another "Quote" 

Take these broken wings and learn to fly... Learn to live so free...

I know this may not have been the authors intent but it works for me...

It's hard to have a condition that is stigmatized and judged but somewhere inside

I know I am stronger than this disorder.

I'm a whole lot of things that shouldn't and sometimes don’t fit together…

I’m not just the bits in a conversation, a picture on a wall or words on a page…

I truly am a whole ball of tumbled craze, ecstasy and rage….

If you cannot accept me for whom I am…

And join in me in life’s little game get the hell off my playground and out of my head...

My life, my complications, my rules… I don't experience the world as you do…

I walk a fine borderline between a world of disorientation, disassociation and the world you know it.

Some days are deathly quiet and some days the noise won't stop.

All I hear remains… And is repeated, pounding in my brain.

I read this somewhere…      

 A quote…

“Will you won't you, will you won't you, join in the dance?”

How Appropriate… Sums it up perfectly…

I haven't been very good at this blogging thing...
Though I have been told its nearly the best therapy no money can buy.

Its now Sunday March 3rd 2013
Cccchanges... or so many changes.

#1 seems to be doing well ... she finally has a base group of girlfriends
and her relationship with her BF seems to be doing okay.
The grand kids are half grown 11 and 13

#2 is doing well, she finished school works for a nice doctor
finally gave up the second job and the long term relationship (4yr) with the long distance BF
She is so strong and so fragile at the same time...

#3 is living her dream... She moved North with her BF and is teaching preschool.
We don't talk as often as I had hoped but I guess I shouldn't be surprised, she is my daughter after all
She calls when she needs me most...

Over all I'd say I did a good job...
Their good young women with kind hearts, who would help a fellow human being if they could and that is what counts...
I just miss them being around that's all...
I never imagined everyone living so far apart...

I wrote a letter to their father once about a rift I saw between he and I... I commented 3yrs ago in a blog about how it came true.

Now we are all scattered ... I live... he lives... And Our Children are Living...

changes in progression

its been quite a long while... things have changed quite a bit...

but the evolution is still in progress...

Things were going well there for a bit and then I took an emotional nose dive. 

BFF's

Funny you meet someone and you find yourself attracted, close your mouth I'm a girl he's a guy.
But attracted in a weird yet awesome way... You find you have so many things in common and everyday you find even more.
You talk about your days, your life plans your blunders and your serious fuck ups... yes I said Fuck ups.
At one point you each think wow this could be so amazing and yet at this point you both know the other one needs a shoulder some one to listen and not judge... more on this later

who am I

who am I
I mean really
this question was posed to me this evening
My BFF: who is the real you
My BFF: lol
Gypsy Hearted: Multi faceted
My BFF: no kidding
Gypsy Hearted: The real me is a chevy lovin, coke drinkin, good ole girl who is just as much at home in 501 jeans and bare feet as she is in a cocktail dress and heels
My BFF: lol your to much
Gypsy Hearted: she has two dream cars
My BFF: ....
Gypsy Hearted: 58 apache or a 59 cadi

That was the jest of the conversation
Who am I really...
I don't know
really...